--- title: "Self-Blame After a Difficult Birth | Harlan Therapy" url: https://leahharlan.com/specialties/self-blame-after-a-difficult-birth description: "A guide to seeking support for self-blame after a difficult birth. Separate medical questions from the judgment you carry, with Leah Harlan in Virginia." lang: en --- Image: Morning light falling through linen curtains (https://leahharlan.com/assets/spec-curtain-1920-CtM8EMPk.webp) # When You Keep Blaming Yourself You keep returning to the decision you wish you had made differently. Request a consultation: https://leahharlan.com/contact#intake ## The Questions That Keep Turning Back on You If I had asked sooner. If I had said no. If I had chosen a different hospital. You may be able to produce a long list of decisions that look different from where you are standing now. Each one seems to offer a version of the birth in which you could have prevented the hardest part. That is a painful conversation to have with yourself. Therapy can make room to examine the judgment, the uncertainty, and what you need now. It is not a medical review of whether a particular decision was right or wrong. ## What You Knew Then and What You Know Now You may now have information that was not available to you in the room. You may also remember being tired, frightened, in pain, or trying to understand several people at once. Those circumstances matter when you talk about the choices you made. We can discuss the difference between your account of that moment and the standard you are applying to it now. You do not have to arrive ready to forgive yourself or agree with someone who says you did nothing wrong. We can begin with how the question keeps returning. ## Separate the Questions - 01 Medical questions: What happened, why was something recommended, and what does it mean for future care? - 02 Questions about your experience: What did you understand, what did you need, and what felt difficult to say? - 03 Questions about life now: When does the self-blame appear, and what does it stop you from doing or sharing? A medical professional can help with questions about records and care decisions. Therapy is a place to discuss your experience and how the uncertainty or judgment affects you. One conversation does not have to answer all three kinds of questions. ## When Other People Try to Reassure You People who care about you may say that the outcome was good or that you could not have known. You can understand their intention and still feel unheard. Sometimes what you want first is room to describe the part they are trying to close. You might tell someone that you are not asking them to settle the question, only to listen. You can also decide that a particular conversation is not useful and bring it into therapy instead. There is no requirement to persuade your family before discussing your own experience. ## How We Can Talk About It We might begin with one sentence you repeat to yourself, one decision you revisit, or one situation that brings the judgment back. I may ask what was happening around you then and what happens now when the thought arrives. You can tell me which parts feel unclear or too much to approach. I draw from Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems, and somatic approaches. That can include conversation, attention to physical sensations, and exploring conflicting feelings about what happened. The approach and pace are things we discuss together. ## Keep Medical Care and Therapy Connected If you are considering another pregnancy, you may have both medical questions and emotional concerns about the last birth. Bring medical risks and birth options to your obstetric provider. In therapy, we can discuss what feels unresolved and what you want to communicate in those appointments. You do not need to make a future-pregnancy decision to begin this conversation. Seeking support can be about the life you are living now. ## Starting with Leah I offer care in Prince George and by telehealth while you are in Virginia. Individual therapy begins with a $450 evaluation and continues in weekly 50-minute sessions at $300. A $2,500 intensive is another format we can assess for a defined concern, with preparation and follow-up included. The consultation is free. You can ask about fit and describe the self-blame in broad terms. You do not need to put the birth story or medical details into the inquiry form. ## Bring the Question You Keep Returning To Request a free consultation to discuss what you are carrying and whether this practice fits the support you want. ## Structured data ```json [ { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@graph": [ { "@type": "Person", "@id": "https://leahharlan.com/#leah-harlan", "name": "Leah Harlan", "honorificSuffix": "MA, LPC", "jobTitle": "Licensed Professional Counselor", "telephone": "804-395-5362", "sameAs": [ "https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/leah-harlan-prince-george-va/1464891" ], "worksFor": { "@type": "Organization", "name": "Harlan Therapy LLC", "@id": "https://leahharlan.com/#harlan-therapy" }, "address": { "@type": "PostalAddress", "streetAddress": "6610 Commons Drive, Suite C", "addressLocality": "Prince George", "addressRegion": "VA", "postalCode": "23875", "addressCountry": "US" }, "areaServed": { "@type": "State", "name": "Virginia" } }, { "@type": [ "MedicalBusiness", "ProfessionalService" ], "@id": "https://leahharlan.com/#harlan-therapy", "url": "https://leahharlan.com/", "name": "Harlan Therapy", "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject", "url": "https://leahharlan.com/logo-harlan-therapy.png", "width": 512, "height": 512 }, "image": "https://leahharlan.com/og-harlan-therapy.png", "telephone": "804-395-5362", "priceRange": "$300 - $2,500", "founder": { "@id": "https://leahharlan.com/#leah-harlan" }, "provider": { "@id": "https://leahharlan.com/#leah-harlan" }, "availableLanguage": "English", "medicalSpecialty": "Psychotherapy for birth trauma and the perinatal window", "serviceType": [ "Birth trauma therapy", "Perinatal and postpartum therapy", "Trauma and PTSD therapy", "Individual therapy", "Therapy intensives" ], "knowsAbout": [ "Birth trauma", "Traumatic birth recovery", "Perinatal and postpartum anxiety", "Pregnancy after loss", "Brainspotting", "Internal Family Systems", "Somatic therapy" ], "availableService": { "@type": "MedicalTherapy", "name": "Birth trauma therapy" }, "address": { "@type": "PostalAddress", "streetAddress": "6610 Commons Drive, Suite C", "addressLocality": "Prince George", "addressRegion": "VA", "postalCode": "23875", "addressCountry": "US" }, "areaServed": { "@type": "State", "name": "Virginia" } }, { "@type": "Service", "serviceType": "Psychotherapy for birth trauma and the perinatal window", "provider": { "@id": "https://leahharlan.com/#harlan-therapy" }, "areaServed": { "@type": "State", "name": "Virginia" } } ] }, { "@context": "https://schema.org", "@type": "WebPage", "name": "Self-Blame After a Difficult Birth | Harlan Therapy", "description": "A guide to seeking support for self-blame after a difficult birth. 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