---
title: "Wanting Another Baby and Dreading the Birth"
url: https://leahharlan.com/blog/wanting-another-baby-and-dreading-the-birth
description: "Wanting another child when a traumatic first birth makes pregnancy feel impossible. On fear of birth, what it is protecting, and how to work with it."
lang: en
---

Journal

# Wanting Another Baby and Dreading the Birth

You want another child. Every time you picture the birth, something in you says absolutely not.

Wanting another baby while dreading another birth is one of the loneliest places a mother can be. The people around you hear the first half and assume the second half will sort itself out.

Maybe your partner is ready and you keep finding reasons to wait. Maybe a friend's pregnancy announcement left you shaking in the parking lot. Maybe you have done the math on your age, the spacing between children, and how many months of being afraid you could survive, and it still does not add up.

This fear is not irrational and it is not weakness. Very often it is a reasonable response to something that happened to you.

## What This Fear Can Look Like

- 01
  Avoiding conversations about a next baby, or changing the subject when someone asks
- 02
  Panic, nausea or tears at the idea of being pregnant again
- 03
  Strong reactions to hospitals, birth stories, or even scenes on television
- 04
  Wanting guarantees about a next birth that no one can give
- 05
  Feeling like you are letting your partner or your family down
- 06
  Grief for the family you pictured before the first birth

An intense fear of childbirth is sometimes called tokophobia. When it follows a difficult birth it is often described as secondary tokophobia. The fact that it has a name says something important: you are not the only one, and it is not a personal flaw.

## What the Fear Is Protecting

Fear of birth after a traumatic one is rarely about pain alone. It tends to be about the moments you lost control, the moments no one told you what was happening, or the moments you thought something terrible was about to happen to you or your baby. Your nervous system learned something in that room, and it is working very hard to make sure you never end up there again.

Seen that way, the fear is not your enemy. It is a part of you doing its job too well. The work is not to argue with it, but to help it learn that next time does not have to be a repeat of last time.

## Things That Can Help Before You Decide

- 01
  Get your records. Requesting your birth records, and asking a provider to walk you through them, can fill gaps your memory left blank.
- 02
  Talk with an OB or midwife about the first birth before you talk about the next one. You are allowed to ask for that conversation on its own.
- 03
  Write down what you would need to feel safer: who is in the room, how decisions are explained to you, and what you want to be asked before anything is done.
- 04
  Consider support from people who know your history, such as a doula experienced with births after trauma.
- 05
  Give yourself permission to decide not to have another child, if that is where you land. That is a legitimate decision, not a defeat.

You do not have to choose between your fear and your hopes. You are allowed to work on the fear first and decide later.

## Working With It in Therapy

Therapy for fear of birth does not start with talking you into anything. It starts with the first birth, at a pace your body can tolerate, so the memory carries less charge. Brainspotting, Internal Family Systems and somatic work let us do that without making you retell the birth in detail.

If you are already pregnant and the due date feels loud, a therapy intensive is one way to do focused work in a shorter window. Sessions are in person in Prince George or by telehealth anywhere in Virginia.

## If You Are Weighing This Right Now

The consultation is free and it is only a conversation. Fifteen minutes, no pressure, and you decide afterwards.

Request a consultation: https://leahharlan.com/contact#intake
Or send a note: https://leahharlan.com/contact

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