---
title: "Postpartum Rage, and What It Is Usually About"
url: https://leahharlan.com/blog/postpartum-rage-and-what-it-is-usually-about
description: "Postpartum rage is rarely talked about and often carried in shame. What it can feel like, what tends to sit underneath it, and when to get support."
lang: en
---

Journal

# Postpartum Rage, and What It Is Usually About

You expected to be tired. You did not expect to be this angry, or to feel so ashamed of it afterward.

Postpartum rage is the part of new motherhood almost nobody mentions at the baby shower. It arrives fast, it feels far bigger than whatever set it off, and it tends to leave a flood of shame behind it.

A cabinet door left open. A partner breathing too loudly. The baby crying again, five minutes after you finally sat down. Suddenly you are slamming things, or shouting, or gripping the counter so you do not. Then it passes, and you are left wondering who that was.

It was you, under more strain than one person is built to carry. That is not an excuse. It is information.

## What It Can Feel Like

- 01
  Anger that goes from zero to overwhelming with very little warning
- 02
  A hot, physical surge: a racing heart, a clenched jaw, shaking hands
- 03
  Urges to throw something, walk out the door, or scream into a pillow
- 04
  Irritation with everyone, especially the people closest to you
- 05
  Crying or going numb after an outburst
- 06
  Shame that makes you hide it, which means nobody knows how hard things are

Rage is not a diagnosis of its own, but it can be part of postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety. It is worth mentioning to your doctor or midwife, along with how you are sleeping and how long it has been going on.

## What Usually Sits Underneath It

Anger is often the loudest feeling in the room, but it is rarely the only one. Underneath postpartum rage there is often exhaustion that has gone on for months, anxiety with nowhere to go, grief for the life and the body you had before, or a sense that the load at home is wildly uneven and nobody is noticing.

For some women it also carries an older weight. If anger was frightening in the house you grew up in, your own anger can feel especially alarming, and the shame can be heavier than the anger itself.

## What Helps in the Moment

- 01
  Learn your first signal, whether it is heat in your face or a tight chest, and treat it as your cue to step back.
- 02
  Put the baby down somewhere safe, such as the crib, and leave the room for a few minutes. You are allowed to take a breath.
- 03
  Give the surge somewhere physical to go: cold water on your wrists, pressing your palms together hard, or a fast walk around the block when someone else can cover.
- 04
  Repair afterward without drowning in guilt. A simple apology to a partner or an older child matters more than a perfect record.
- 05
  Look honestly at sleep and load. Rage that shows up mostly at 5pm or 3am is telling you something about what you are carrying.

Being angry does not make you a bad mother. It usually means something in your life needs to change, and you deserve help changing it.

## When to Get Support

If the rage is frequent, if it frightens you or the people you live with, or if it comes with low mood, constant worry or thoughts you cannot shake, it is worth talking to someone. Therapy can work with the nervous system that is firing so fast, not only with the thoughts that come after.

Sessions are in person in Prince George or by telehealth anywhere in Virginia.

If you are in crisis or having thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, call or text 988 now, or go to your nearest emergency department.

## If This Has Been Your Year

The consultation is free and it is only a conversation. Fifteen minutes, no pressure, and you decide afterwards.

Request a consultation: https://leahharlan.com/contact#intake
Or send a note: https://leahharlan.com/contact

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